Someone else's awkward date

This girl's blog post made me smile.

The girl, Katie, was asked out by a 47-year-old guy from her church. She didn't know it was a date, and so she agreed to go for a friendly lunch with him.

It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one who has been "tricked" into going on a date with an older man. (That post is coming.)

Awkward date #1: Physical boundaries

This post is part of a series documenting some seriously awkward dates that I've been on.

Please note that I am not writing this series to mock the guys whom I have dated. These stories are bound to be funny, but I hope you’ll look with me at how God worked through these situations to grow me and teach me about relationships. My prayer is that these nuggets of wisdom wouldn’t go to waste. :)

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I had known the guy for about 3 years. We met at a Christian summer camp, where we both worked as counsellors. We weren't close friends, and in fact we had never hung out outside of camp until one particular year.

That year marked the beginning of my university career. I found myself in a new city, in a new academic realm, with totally new friends. As I look back at the ups and downs of that season, I see that God held on to me. My faith in God grew, especially during first semester.

Despite being separated by several provinces, this guy and I began to chat more and more frequently. He was the first Christian guy I had met that was both genuine in his faith and genuinely interested in me.

When I returned to my hometown for Christmas that year, we made plans to hang out.

We decided to see a movie over the holidays. When I arrived at the theatre, I was anxious. I remember thinking, "It's weird to be talking to him in person again... This isn't the same as our interactions at camp. He looks different. How long has it been? I haven't seen him in person since last year!
It seems that we've really gotten to know each other over the past 4 months, and that's only been online. Do I really know this guy?"

Everything was going well, but I just couldn't let myself relax. At one point during the movie, he shuffled in his seat, getting more comfortable. He lifted up the armrest between us, and beckoned me over to his side of our now double-seat. He was suggesting that we cuddle.

I was confused: I liked him, but I wasn't ready to show any kind of physical affection. I was already uncomfortable, and I knew that if I "gave in", it would make things worse. But if I refused, he would surely be embarrassed.

I shook my head "no". He persisted. He asked me to move just a bit closer. At this point I'm sure he observed me awkwardly clinging to the left side of my seat, the side furthest away from him.

We sat in silence with very little interaction until the end of the film. We didn't talk about it. I didn't want to talk it. I was already suffering enough through the awkwardness. When my mom came to pick me up, I said a cold goodbye to him. There was no romantic moment, no hug, no "let's do this again".

Days later, we chatted online about what had happened. He tried to persuade me that I needed to relax and be more physically affectionate, because that's a huge part of getting to know someone.

(Unfortunately this relationship didn't move very far past that conversation. We had such different views on physical boundaries that I don't think it could have worked.)

I know that physical affection can be good, but I am firmly convinced that that area of a relationship needs careful thought and prayer. Both people need to pray about physical boundaries. And this area needs to progress VERY slowly.

Physical affection should not lead either person to sin in their heart, by causing them to lust after what they cannot have until marriage.

What I learned from this awkward date:
1/Christian guys aren’t perfect. All guys desire physical intimacy, and struggle with lust.
I now have a great respect for godly men who are daily walking with the Lord: those men who deny their desires for physical closeness until the right time. This is more than just saving sex for marriage. This is about "fleeing from sexual immorality" (1 Cor 6:18). Bottom line: Don't dabble in something that is going to cause you to sin.

2/It was better that I didn’t give in to what he wanted me to do. I wouldn't have enjoyed cuddling with him. (Although my response made the situation super awkward, it would have been worse.) By standing my ground, I was able to honour God in my heart.

3/Emotional, physical and spiritual areas of a relationship have to grow together. You can't have a physical relationship without the other two components. It just doesn't work.

Things I am thankful for

Hugs.

Candy cane-flavoured coffee.

A "Rock Star" Christmas party this Friday, an opportunity to meet new people.

Quality time with my roommate.

Teddy’s happy, playful spirit.

Delicious gluten-free pasta (with the best pasta sauce of my life) at Cafe Maurizio.

God’s word.
- The reminder that God values us. (Matt 6:26) We are his incredibly valuable children, his people whom he loves.

A weekend filled with love, heart-to-heart chats, good food, joy and lots of laughter.

My church:
- a place that challenges believers not to "get over the Gospel", not to lose our sense of joy and awe in knowing that we have peace with God.
- a place where those who don’t know Jesus are invited to discover him.

(Best) Friends

It’s important to not be alone. God even said, "It is not good for the man to be alone." (Gen 2:18)

I’m not saying that we all need to be paired up, each girl with a guy. I’m talking about the fact that it’s not good to be alone, to be lonely, to be without people, to be without friends. God created us to be in community. He didn't intend for us to spend our lives without friends.

That explains why some of us dread being alone. There are days where I really can’t stand the feeling of being alone. In fact, I’m feeling pretty alone right now.


A friend asked me once, “Lindsay, who’s your best friend?” I didn't have an answer for her. And my heart sank. I don’t have a best friend? What's wrong with me?

It's not that I don't have friends. In fact, I am surrounded by plenty of lovely people. I am so thankful that I have these people in my life. However, I think that the friends I have aren't "close" enough.

Maybe I don't have a best friend because I've spent little bits of time with a lot of different people, and not enough time with anyone in particular.

A big part of developing deeper relationships is time. You need to get to know someone, see them in different situations. I've been trying to get to know some of the girls from church. In a few cases I've put in effort, tried to plan things and hang out with people, but they just aren't interested in making time for me.

In several cases I haven't made the time for others. I fill my evenings and weekends with good activities, things that I enjoy: church, dance class, personal time, chores/laundry/cooking/errands, taking care of Teddy. After that, it seems that very little time is left for friends. Even when I have the time, I often excuse myself, saying that I'm too tired to hang out.

Sometimes I don't know how to open up to them. I hate that my relationships are sometimes so surface level. I think I'm afraid to really let people in, for fear of them not liking me for who I really am.

You can probably gather where I'm at from this post, but I'll say it anyway. I've been feeling a bit frustrated/discouraged in the area of friendships.

Why do I write the way I do?

I know that some of you wonder why I write so often about focusing on Jesus. Why don’t I write more about the day-to-day of being a single woman? I admit, I originally intended to write about the ups-and-downs of being single, but I’ve come to realize a few things.

I realize that I can never be truly satisfied (in singleness, or in a relationship) until I am fully satisfied with Christ, alone. My heart needs to be fully surrendered to him.

I struggle with this daily, to give my heart to Jesus, and to not replace him with something or someone else. So that’s why I write the way I do: to remind myself, and hopefully encourage you, to seek God and to find your satisfaction, your joy, the love that you crave, in Him.

With that to say, I plan to write in the next few weeks on the following topics:
1. Why I have decided not to date guys who don’t love Jesus.
2. Dangerous dates.
3. One too many awkward situations.

Stay tuned…

I've been meditating on this verse lately:

Psalm 73:25-26
Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.

The writer was obviously consumed by God. He said that earth had nothing he desired... he wanted God above everything that the world had to offer. He recognized that God is beautiful and wonderful and satisfying.

I want to be able to truly say, "Yes, God, there is nothing I desire besides you. I want you, and only you. I want to live your way, even if it means sacrificing things that I want."

I believe that living God's way, although it is difficult, is well worth the struggles. It's just hard to convince my stubborn, live-in-the-present, easily-swayed-by-worldly-pleasures heart of that fact.

Teddy's back.

Thanks, friends, for your wishes and prayers.

Teddy's surgery went well. Everything is normal - his blood test was perfect and he's able to urinate without pain.

He was experiencing some general discomfort in the area of the incision, post surgery; I don’t think he slept at all the first night at home. It was rough for me, as well as him. Poor little guy - he was trying to sleep standing up. :(

Now he’s doing well. The doc prescribed him some medication for the pain, he seems more comfortable, and he slept right through the night :).

Surgery!

I dropped my dog Teddy off at the vet's this morning. He's having bladder stone removal surgery. It's a bit worrying, although they say it's a pretty routine surgery.

Here's praying that everything goes well. :) God is good, all the time.

Unloved.

There are days when I feel unloved.

I thought those days were a thing of the past, that I was now so strong in my faith in Christ that I wouldn’t have those self-focused moments anymore: "Does anyone really love me the way I want to be loved?" "Why do I feel so alone?"

I think there will always be hard days. I’ll still struggle with wanting to be loved, and forgetting to seek God for what I desire.

Those days often occur when I’ve lost sight of the incredibly satisfying love God has for us. Those days leave me desperately longing for attention. Sometimes I catch myself striving solely to please others, to gain attention, approval and love. I lose it: my contentment, my peace, my sense of who I am in God. I "lost it" recently, when a guy – an attractive, funny, charming, and considerate guy – stepped into my life.

Have you ever "lost it"? Maybe you have and you just didn’t notice. You find yourself no longer content with where you are and what you have, and you start to long for a boyfriend. Your heart feels empty and you think that he is the only one who can fix your emptiness.

Maybe you won’t believe me when I say that I’ve been there. I have, more times than I’d like to admit.

So there’s this guy. We met and he immediately began to pay extra attention to me. I told myself that he probably wasn’t good for me. He didn’t fulfill some of my major criteria for a boyfriend (i.e. he doesn't love Jesus). But he’s so funny, and sweet, and he likes me...

I knew I was in too deep when he asked for my number, and I tried to justify giving it to him. "It’ll be a nice friendship... I could go for a coffee with him; that doesn’t say serious relationship." Every day I hoped to run into him and looked forward to chatting with him.

I finally recognized that I was putting all my hope into what this guy thought of me. Oh it’s just lovely to converse with someone who appreciates me: who genuinely wants to communicate with me and spend time with me and know more about who I am and what makes me tick. I'm not saying that it's wrong to be friends with members of the opposite sex. BUT it’s not worth it if it’s stealing my heart and my attention from God.

That's what I've learned from this. I didn't give him my number, and I don't plan to go on that coffee date. I know my heart, and that just wouldn't help me one bit.

I need to be reminded...

... that God would never do anything to harm me, physically, emotionally or spiritually. And He would not intend for me to date a guy who would pull me away from the most important relationship in my life: my relationship with Him.

May I stand in the assurance that the only man for me is the one who also loves Jesus with his whole heart.

If you're single now...

If you’re single now and if you’re a Christian and if Romans 8:28 means anything, it means that today you can grow better as a single than you could if you were married. Or God would have you married.

In other words,
there are things that you’re learning now,
there are ways in which you can grow right now,
there are opportunities for service and ministry that are better for you, and for Him, and for everybody around you, as a single person.

- Tim Keller

(From Tim Keller's Sex, Singleness and Marriage sermon series)

Sentiments on the "sexy" hallowe'en costume

I totally agree with Joy the Baker on this one:

"This brings me to a very important point: the slutty bee/nurse/policewoman/fairy/cat/warrior/French maid/girl scout/bomb inspector/hipster/moose/panda bear/zombie/Strawberry Shortcake… is SO PLAYED (major lame). Ladies. We’re better than this. We don’t need to take everyday things and make them slutty. Why!? Why are we doing this!? Did you know that we have the ability and freedom to dress like hussies everyday of the year if we choose? Seriously... Why take the respected and regal bumble bee and turn that into a hot mess? WHY!?
...Don’t be slutty. Slutty on Halloween is DUMB and predictable and DUMB!"

Come to think of it, slutty on any day is dumb.

The worst part of my job

... is that I kill about 20 trees every day with the amount of printing and copying I do.

I have to give a hard copy of my work to this engineer, and that engineer, then it needs to be edited and reprinted 534232222857 times, then printed and handed to this other woman for approval, then printed for my boss, who has to make 23294288 more edits.

I like being environmentally friendly. I don't wanna kill anymore trees. :(

I guess if that's the worst part, that's not all that bad. :)

Dresses!

I love casual dresses. I love how easy it is to slip on a dress in the morning, and I love the way dresses look and feel. They can be worn all year-round (albeit with caution in the frigid Canadian winters). They can be worn for work and/or play. Plus, I just love how feminine they are.
I own a total of one casual dress that I wear on a daily basis. It looks like this one. Sadly, last month my washing machine ripped a small hole near the waist. *Sigh*. My favourite piece of clothing, my default work outfit, my cute little dress. Now it should be tossed, but I love it and can't let it go yet... I sewed up the one-inch hole and wear a belt that discreetly covers the area.

Ever since that little incident I've been looking for a replacement. Boy, is it hard to find cute, affordable and modest dresses and skirts!

Today, I am so excited to have stumbled on this gem of a website. It's called Shabby Apple, and it seems to be a socially-conscious, all-sizes-friendly business. They carry some really cute dresses. The ones I've looked at so far have high necklines, and go to the knee. They are all quite beautiful.

I think a dress is a good investment. Any piece of clothing that can be worn in multiple seasons, is appropriate for work, and transcends fashion trends is a good investment.

Because of some recent events, money is tight. I'm thinking of saving a bit, and purchasing one of those dresses next month. Now to decide which one to spend my hard-earned cash on. :) I welcome any suggestions!

Does it get any easier (to be single)?

Last evening I had a lovely chat at Starbucks with my friend M. We both agreed on something about our singleness: that it seems to be getting easier. That’s not to say that we wouldn’t like to be married and have kids someday. I know I definitely do hope for those things. But, it’s not as difficult as it used to be, to be content with where I’m at now.

M and I are both finished school, working, serving in church, and staying busy, and we’ve found that at this phase/stage in our lives, it is good to be single. God is such a good provider, and I am confident that he will provide a spouse if it is the best thing for me. But for now, I am so grateful that it is getting easier to live the single life. (I know not everyone will have the same experience(s) that I have had, but I want to say that there is hope for all you young single ladies. :) )

What is love?

Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained. -- C.S. Lewis

Your Love is Deep

I'll admit it. I’ve been having a hard time being content in singleness. Some days it's just more difficult than I expect it to be.

I’ve been to 2 weddings in the last two weeks, and have heard about so many more. Don’t get me wrong; I’m so happy for the newlywed couples. It’s a blessing to be friends with so many godly people who aspire to honour God with their lives and their marriages. It’s just that, despite my efforts to remain content, I’ve felt insecure.

As I try to refocus on Jesus, I’ve found these words coming to mind.

Your love is deep
Your love is high
Your love is long
Your love is wide

Deeper than my view of grace
Higher than this worldly place
Longer than this road I travel
Wider than the gap you filled

("Your Love Is Deep" song)

This song is based on Ephesians 3:17-19: "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

His love is exactly what I need right now. Although part of me wants to dive into a romantic relationship, I’ve been there before and I know that kind of relationship isn’t really what my heart is craving. It won’t completely satisfy. I need to be satisfied in Christ.

Practice for being a mom

With Teddy’s recent health issues, I’ve become particularly aware of how similar dog ownership is to baby ownership. :) Here are some of the reasons why:

1. I bathe him, feed him, cut and comb his hair, talk to him, teach (i.e. train) him, love him, and play with him. I make sure he gets everything that he needs. He’s completely dependent on me for these things.
2. Sometimes he keeps me up at night. On numerous occasions I have gotten up in the middle of the night to care for him: whether it was to get him water, take him outside, change his pee pad, or just tell him to go back to bed (he actually listens!).
3. When there’s something wrong, I just know. I can easily read his body language and behaviour, and can sense when he’s in pain, when he’s anxious, uncomfortable or scared.
4. I had never felt more fearful of losing something than when Teddy started peeing blood.
5. I was (and am) willing to expend all of my resources to figure out what the illness was: time, money, sleep, etc.
6. I cried when the vet said he needed to stay overnight at the clinic. It’s awful to not be able to care for your baby when he’s sick!

I’m thankful for this preparation for the future, for being a mom (hopefully). I know that caring for a baby takes much more work, and is waaaay more complex, but I like to think that caring for Teddy is good practice anyway.
I’m so thankful for this trial, as it has helped me to realize that Teddy is just another thing that I have failed to trust God with. May I learn to surrender all things, even my doggie, to the Lord.

Blog vacation

Just about every blog I read seems to be on summer vacation. (All of them, simultaneously!)

Hey bloggers: Get back to it! What else am I going to do on my breaks at work? :P

What are you more excited about: Jesus, or your future husband?

I've recently been reading, and loving, some of the anecdotes and words of wisdom posted by Kelly Needham. I don't know her personally, but stumbled on to her blog from her husband's website. Her husband, Jimmy Needham, is a Christian music artist (who you can check out here). Both Jimmy and Kelly seem to be solid Christian people who are speaking up (or singing) about their faith in Jesus, and how it has impacted their life. :)

Kelly, once single like the lot of us, writes about waiting on God for her future husband, in the post titled "My First Love":

"What are you more excited about: Jesus or your future husband? God was never designed to simply be the means for us to receive things... We were created to be in a passionate, consuming, and loving relationship; this is why our hearts long for it. So when we do not experience this fulfilling relationship in God, we naturally look for it in other things: usually in a relationship here on earth."

She makes a few really great points:
- that we tend to see God only as the vehicle that brings us what we need and want
- that we put relationships ahead of God, especially that special relationship that we all long for
We need to love Jesus first and foremost, or we're just going to put our future husband on a pedestal. We will put that man in the place where Jesus should be, and this is dangerous.
Read the post yourself for more thoughts on this!

What are your thoughts? Do you see this tendency in your own life- to view God merely as the vehicle that brings you what you need? Or are you truly excited about getting to know God, and experiencing his love for you?

Norway bomber thinks he's doing what's best for Europe

I can't believe my ears when I hear some of the things that are going on in the world today. By now most people have heard about the bombing and shooting events that happened on Friday, July 22. At least 93 people, including 86 children, were murdered.

Yesterday I was chatting about the tragedy with two friends, when one mentioned that the motive behind the events was one man's desire to eradicate Muslims from Europe. Another said that she heard that the people responsible were from a fundamental Christian group.

After some research, I realize that the man responsible for the killings is not a Christian. In fact, I doubt that he's even part of a terrorist group (or any group, period). He spent a full year of his life playing 'World of Warcraft'. I'm not condemning people who play World of Warcraft, I just think that this dude is probably a very lonely, very unstable individual. When people spend a lot of time in isolation, they can develop ideas that aren't based on reality.

This man, who is the sole cause of these horrifying acts, says that he is part of the group "Pauperes Commilitones Christi Templique Solomonici", the Knights Templar.

This group doesn't exist anymore.

Wikipedia states that the group was originally endorsed by the Catholic Church. But, it "existed for approximately two centuries in the Middle Ages"!

That point aside, Norway is in mourning. Not only has this rocked their sense of safety and national peace, but the crazy man is not sorry for what he did. He believes that he is fighting a revolution, and is doing what's right for Europe.

There is evil in this world; just look around. God is here, but things will remain in the state they are in until Jesus returns, and God restores things for good.

Cooking isn't fun when it's 45 degrees out.

Some days I really don't feel like cooking. Don't get me wrong; I LOVE cooking. I love making coconut curried chicken and I love baking chocolate chip cookies (gluten/dairy/soy-free of course).

Yesterday, when it felt like 45 degrees outside with the humidity, I just didn't feel like lifting a finger to make dinner. I did a quick grocery run to pick up some pre-made potato salad (Moishe's brand, which is amazing by the way). I ate a peanut butter and jam sandwich and potato salad for dinner. It was great. No oven or microwave necessary.

This morning, with no leftovers to pack for lunch, I opted for a thrown-together tuna-salad sandwich. This sandwich didn't get eaten, however, as the subsidized $5 lunch at work was too tempting. Mmm steamed salmon fillet drizzled with balsamic vinegar and homemade salsa. Rice and veggies. Small coffee. $5!

My work place's male to female ratio must have something to do with these benefits: Fully-stocked gym, pool, basketball court + Incredible (and large) lunch for $5. (I have no trouble believing that 80% of the employees are male. :) )

Free audio book downloads

I'm really enjoying a new(ish) find. It's a site that gives away one free audio book to download. So far I'm finding that the authors are quality Christian writers. I'm currently listening to an audio book called "A Place of Healing" by Joni Eareckson Tada.

Joni seems like an incredibly strong woman. She has lived most of her life in a wheelchair as a quadriplegic, as a result of a swimming accident. Her story is pretty amazing - she has endured excruciating pain, depression, and an intense spiritual battle.

So far I'm feeling challenged. I'd recommend the book to anyone who wants to learn more about healing - physical, emotional, spiritual. She goes through several bible verses to try to help the reader understand why God heals and sometimes why he doesn't.

I'd also recommend Christian Audio. The link to the free audio book is here. You just have to create an account with them, and then you can start downloading quality Christian books for free. :)

Things to be thankful for

Thanks, God, for my little doggie. He's going to be ok. This has been rough on me, but I am so thankful that you've got this whole situation under control.

Thanks, God, that you love your creation. So often I forget that you created the animals, too. You love your people, but you care for your animals, too.

Thanks, Lord, for skilled veterinarians, who figured out that Teddy doesn't have cancer, nor does he have kidney problems or liver disease. It's not a virus that's causing his illness. He has four small bladder stones. Bladder stones are common for his breed. Also, the blood test showed he has low platelets, and therefore his blood doesn't clot properly. They think it's an autoimmune condition, which is treatable.

Thanks, God, for a job. Thanks that things are getting more interesting and more challenging. And thanks for providing me with a stable income so that I can pay for these vet bills.

Our God is good.

Have you ever felt like you wanted to crawl into a hole and hide?

Most of the time when I encounter tough situations in life I want to crawl into a hole and be alone. There a major problem with this: Because I'm single and live on my own (save one roommate), I can go days without really speaking to anyone. Things could go downhill from that point, as I sink into self pity. I realized that this shows a glimpse of my self-centeredness. Did you know that dwelling in self pity is a sin? Because dwelling on it means that I'm only thinking about me and my problems, as if nothing else matters. It also means that I'm not surrendering my worries to God.

I hide because I feel uncomfortable showing a lot of emotion when I'm around others. I think if others saw me in such a vulnerable state that they would think less of me. That's my pride for you.

Although I do process things well on my own, I realize that I need people. I need others to tell me that God's got the situation under control. I need people to show me love, and say things like "It's going to be ok." I need to be reminded that although I'm feeling overwhelmed, this isn't the end of the world. I am not the only one going through hard stuff.

I took Teddy (my 6-year-old white Schnauzer-terrier mix) to the vet this morning. He has some kind of bladder, prostate or kidney problem (possibly a bladder or kidney stone). He's going to have blood tests, urine tests and x-rays.

I need to think and pray, but I realize that I also need to be around others. I'm so thankful for my roommate and my friends and their compassion.

Work and exhaustion

Wow... the past month has just flown by. I just finished the 4th week at my new job in technical writing. So far so good.

However, since I started at my job I have been absolutely exhausted. I have been so exhausted that I nearly fell asleep in a conversation at work, and I have fallen asleep several times on the metro. A few times I've been so tired that my stomach was churning and I felt nauseous. I'm getting used to the schedule (which involves waking up around 5:30am, and not returning home until 6pm), but my body doesn't adjust like it used to. I feel older. I can't go several days in a row with just 6 hours of sleep. My mind ceases to function normally.

With the new job I don't have as much free time, so I have missed out on some of the things I really enjoy: spending copious amounts of time with people, blogging, listening to sermons, baking, cooking, watching movies.

Here’s a brief summary of my month, by the numbers:
Read 30+ chapters of documentation at work.
RSVPed for 3 weddings, all happening in the next month.
Met and memorized the names of 20 new people.
Hosted 2 travelling friends.
Visited my mom for just under 3 days (68 hours).
Had one delicious steak dinner.
Spent a combined 45 hours in daily commute.
Had 9 encouraging or challenging conversations about spirituality and religion.

I'm praying for energy, and that God will give me love and compassion for those around me. Work is hard, but fun, and I'm really enjoying meeting all the new people.

What is the purpose for waiting? (Part 2)

At times I’ve been incredibly frustrated with waiting.  If I want something, I don’t want to have to wait for it.  When I’m hungry, I want to eat right away.  When I’m lonely, I want to surround myself with friends, immediately.  And when I’m broke and jobless, I want a job and an income.  Arg… I don’t like this impatient part of me.

For about 5 months now, I’ve been applying for jobs, and was hoping that I would have a solid job offer as I graduated from university.  I’ve had a handful of interviews, but as I finished off my degree I hadn’t had a single offer.  I was praying, but starting to doubt that God would provide.

In the midst of that I was able to say “God is so good”.  I know that I have been waiting and experiencing that frustration for a reason.  I believe that God wanted me to wait for several reasons:

(1)   So that I would rely on Him. 

At times in my job search, I was expecting to get hired because of my skills, my talents, my awesomeness. Those things are factors in getting a job, but not everything.  Ultimately, what God wants goes.  If God wants me to take a particular job, then the job offer will be there.  In the same way, if he doesn’t want me to have a job, then he is able to take away the opportunity (or not present it in the first place).

At times of disappointment I was reminded that the opportunity would come if it was in God’s plan for me.  And I was reminded of my past, in times that I’ve had to wait for him.  When he finally provided, it was so perfectly suited to me and the timing was perfect. 

(2)   So that I would realize my love of money. 

While waiting and searching for jobs, I struggled with how I would pay my bills.  I worried.   I got anxious.  I considered taking any crummy part-time job.  I considered moving back in with my mom… until God miraculously provided in this area, enough to pay my bills for another 2 months.

(3)   So that I would be made aware of my need for security.

I am almost ashamed of what I felt at times.  I felt so lost and empty and purposeless, as I didn’t have anything to look forward to, or anything to work for, during this time.  There were days when I just felt I had nothing to cling to.  My future was so uncertain, unclear, insecure.  In the end I am so blown away by God.  When everything seemed out of control, he filled the voids in my heart, and gave me such a clear sense of stability and peace.

(4)   So that he would be glorified.

He provided an awesome job.  It’s a technical writing position, full-time, located in Montreal, with a great company.  I’m super excited about the projects that they are currently working on: smart cameras, video editing software and hardware and more.  Technical writing will give me a lot of experience.  I’ll be exposed to all of the engineering divisions within the company, and will lead to future opportunities.  Plus the timing is perfect. I’ve been out of school and unemployed for just over a month, and it was just the amount of time I needed to rest and refocus.

I could go on about the great things about this job opportunity… God is just so good.

Only God knew what I needed.  He knew my money-loving heart needed a good shock back to hoping in Jesus, and not in my money.  He knew that my self-worth was in my security and my status as an engineering student.  He knew that the only way I would rely on him was to wait for 5 months before being offered anything.

He also knows what I enjoy; I am so excited to work alongside engineers who do exactly what I see myself doing in a few years. 

He knows where I can be a light for him, and so I am confident that this job is where I am meant to be for the time being. 

What is the purpose for waiting? (Part 1)

I’ve come to the conclusion that there is always a purpose for a time of waiting.  It doesn’t matter what we’re waiting for, whether a job, a spouse, an answer to prayer, or deliverance from a situation, God always has a purpose for making us wait.

The bible (ESV) mentions the word ‘wait’ over 130 times.  The writer of the psalms often writes about waiting on the Lord.  He expresses his frustration with whatever he is waiting for in Psalm 130:

“Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD!
O Lord, hear my voice!
Let your ears be attentive
to the voice of my pleas for mercy!”

He goes on to write:

“I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen for the morning,
more than watchmen for the morning.
O Israel, hope in the LORD!
For with the LORD there is steadfast love,
and with him is plentiful redemption.”

What an encouragement this Psalm is to me.  The author is obviously facing something difficult, and is pleading with God to help him.  He seems unsure whether God will help him.  But he ends his Psalm with such confidence that as he waits for God’s guidance and help, he has can look to the future with hope.  He doesn’t know what is coming (none of us do), but he can look to God, and say to himself, “Whatever God has planned will be good.”.  He has God at his side, and he has found God’s love to be steadfast, constant, unfailing.  God also brings him hope of redemption.  Whatever is broken, he can surely fix. Whatever is lacking, he can supply.

I think that as we seek God in times of waiting, we will begin to see these things.  We will have a clearer picture of God’s provision, of the way he works in us, and of his awesome love.

Memorizing Scripture

Last week at my church small group we were discussing how to rely on God when things are difficult.  We agreed that it is so hard to trust God when we face trials in life.  It's hard not to worry, fear, or take the situation completely into our own hands.  When we face trials, we usually get anxious instead of saying, "Ok God, I don't understand this situation and I don't know what to do, but I look to you." 

Side note: I love what king Jehoshaphat said in 2 Chronicles 20:12:
"...For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you."

Some of the women in the group said that reciting scripture helps them, especially when they are afraid. There are some great verses, like in Psalm 23:
"I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me."

This one women, who is in her late 70s, is a great woman of God.  She knows many of the stories in the bible by heart.  As we were sharing she said, "I wish I had memorized more scripture when I was younger. Now it's not so easy. My memory isn't as good as it used to be." 

That just hit me.  She has memorized bus loads of verses, and yet she regrets not memorizing more of the bible.  How often do I take my memory for granted?  I think it's normal that I am able to memorize bible verses, engineering formulas, telephone numbers even.  We never know when we could lose something like our memory. 

We memorize song lyrics, addresses, websites, sports stats... but how often do we really use this great gift of memory to remember something truly important? that will aid us for our entire lives? that will remind us of God's goodness, faithfulness, and his awesome plans for us?

It's great to be young and to be able to memorize things easily.  I think I'm going to put my memory to good use while I have it.

Love: we talk about it, we write songs about it, we even dance.

I didn't start this blog to bash relationships or promote singleness as superior to marriage. 

In fact, I know that relationships are a good thing.  I really love love.  I enjoy the fact that God created love.  He was the one who showed love first, before any human knew what it was. I'm thankful that he loved us more than any guy will ever love me.  He loved me enough to die for me.

God created the concept of marriage.  He created love; he invented sex.  Have you ever felt your heart pounding because you're close to that special person?  God created that.  That's incredible!  Do you ever think God is boring?  Not if you remember that he created sex. That's not boring. There are a lot of other not-boring things, but I'll stay on the same topic for now.

I've seen even the most skeptical atheist admit that there's something inexplicable about love.  There exists the possibility of an incredibly intimate connection between a man and a woman that goes beyond physical attraction.  It's something that we can try to explain away with pheromones and psychology, but in my mind it's obviously spiritually rooted.

It is something that I don't understand, but that I'm glad God gave us.  I'm thankful for that gift.  I look forward to the excitement that comes with a new relationship.  I'm also thankful for all the good stuff that marriage brings and the hard work it requires.  A husband and wife can show one another the deepest kind of soul-nurturing love.  If they love Christ, their love for one another can reflect the awesomeness of God's love.

I like the idea of being in a romantic relationship.  I don't think I'm ready for it right now; there's a lot of things I want God to work on in me.  Anyway, enough rambling. I will continue these thoughts later.

For now, here's a video that you'll enjoy.  I choreographed and performed this piece several years ago.  It's about young love.

Christianity paved the way for shame-free single living

I randomly stumbled upon Tim Keller's blog today.  Check out this valid, thought-provoking, and hope-giving point:

"According to theologian Stanley Hauerwas of Duke University, Christianity was the very first religion or world-view that held up single adulthood as a viable way of life. Jesus himself and St. Paul were single. "One…clear difference between Christianity and Judaism [and all other traditional religions] is the former's entertainment of the idea of singleness as the paradigm way of life for its followers." (Stanley Hauerwas, A Community of Character p.174) Nearly all religions and cultures made an absolute value of the family and of the bearing of children. There was no honor without family honor, and there was no real lasting significance or "legacy" without leaving heirs. By contrast, the early church not only did not pressure women to marry but it institutionally supported poor widows so they were not forced to remarry as they were out in the culture at large.

Why? The Christian gospel and hope of the kingdom-future de-idolized marriage. "Singleness was legitimated, not because sex was questionable, but because the mission of the church is 'between the times' [the overlap of the ages]…We must remember that the 'sacrifice' made by singles was not [just in] 'giving up sex' but in giving up heirs. There could be no more radical act than that! This was a clear expression that one's future is not guaranteed by the family but by the [kingdom of God and the] church…" ( Hauerwas, p.190)...

... The gospel frees singles from the shame of being unmarried they find in conservative cultures. Their truest identity is in Christ and their assured future hope is the kingdom of God. Even bearing children, in the Christian view, is merely nurturing more lives for the family of God. That can be done in other ways than the biological. "

Singleness in the first century was so counter-cultural.  At that time, one's life was justified by his family.  If a man had a wife and kids, that was success.  If a woman was single, she was basically worthless.  If she was not married and using her child-bearing abilities to their full potential, then what was the point of her life?

I loved reading that "the early church not only did not pressure women to marry but it institutionally supported poor widows so they were not forced to remarry as they were out in the culture at large." 

Jesus totally redefined the value in human life.  He gave an example for the early church singles to live by.  Our value is not in our spouse, our family or our kids. If we never marry or never have kids, our value is not less than anyone else's.  We are children of God, and we have a purpose that goes beyond family.  Our purpose is to be in relationship with God above all.

Real stability

On Christ the solid rock I stand,
All other ground is sinking sand.
All other ground is sinking sand.

-chorus from the hymn "Solid Rock" written by Edward Mote (1797-1874)

As we sang this chorus in church today, my mind wandered.  I began to think about the things that I've looked to for stability: my education and the hope of a great career, my parents, my money, my relationships. 
I've been reminded recently that nothing in this life is really, truly stable.  It's all sinking sand. Money, relationships, status, possessions... all of these things, even the ones we think will last forever, could be taken from us at any time. 

I don't think it's wrong to want stability.  But, it is wrong to seek security in these material and temporary things instead of in the living God.  Not only is it wrong, it can be devastating for us if we gain a false sense of security apart from God and then suddenly lose what we thought was secure.

God is the only one who lives beyond (before and after) all of us and all that we see on the earth.  He is the only one who remains when everything in our lives falls apart.  And things will fall apart.  Our world is like that. 

Many times I've felt as if everything in my life was going wrong.  In some of those situations, I thought that money would solve my problems.  If I just had enough money then I wouldn't have to worry about paying my rent next month.  My finances would be stable and that would make me feel secure.  Other times, I thought that a guy in my life was what I needed.  If I were married then I wouldn't feel alone or feel like I have no one to depend on.  If I had a husband, even if the world around me were falling apart, I would have something constant to hold on to.

The only thing that really kept me going was the assurance that God was there.  He was there through all of the trials I've faced.  I was reminded that he cared, and I cried out to him for help.  And he answered.  There were moments, amidst chaos, that I was left with an inexplicable feeling of peace.  And every single time he brought me through the struggle with my heart intact.

Just a reminder to all you single people out there.  Don't hope for a boyfriend/girlfriend/husband/wife that will fill that craving for security and stability.   A spouse may provide a mirage of security, but a spouse doesn't last forever.  People pass away from this world unexpectedly, and more commonly, and ultimately, people disappoint. 

We will be better prepared for marriage if we set our minds on Christ first and foremost, asking him to satisfy us and be our stability, rather than hoping that our spouse will provide that sense of security. Jesus truly is the solid rock on which we can stand.

Singleness can make us more like Jesus

I've heard my married friends say that marriage is tough.  It reveals to you your selfishness, your pride, your sin.  I don't know exactly what marriage is like, but I can imagine that it would be hard to lay down personal desires to love and serve your spouse.

They've also said that being married is the best way to become more like Jesus.  It forces you to confront your sin.  You can't just ignore the fact that you're impatient, or that you struggle with lust, or that you have anger management issues.  These things will negatively affect your spouse and your marriage if you continue to ignore them.

While I can see the point, I don't agree that marriage is the best way to be sanctified (read: become more like Jesus).  And here's why:

1. Singleness forces us to trust God with the future.  We can't rely on another person to help us make life decisions. 
   
2. Singleness gives us more time to spend with God.  When a woman has a husband and kids, her energy is almost entirely focused on caring for her family.  With more time to spend in God's word and in prayer, we should expect to see God change our hearts through that.
   
3. Singleness may mean we're lonely at times; loneliness reveals to us our need for God.  If we feel that there's no one who fulfills our needs for love and acceptance, we can look to God.  He is the one who unconditionally, eternally loves those who trust in Christ.
   There have been moments where I've felt incredibly lonely.  In those moments, I thought that what I needed was a boyfriend.  I believe that that's one nasty lie that all women have been fed.  The truth is that we don't need men to fulfill us.  We need our God.  And yeah, I needed my God.  On many occasions, I've seen God come through.   When I come to him with a broken heart, he fills me with a renewed sense of his awesome love.  The bible says that he comforts the downcast (2 Cor 7:6).  I know that through those lonely periods of life we come to know God more intimately.
   
4. Singleness can reveal our struggles with sin: seeking attention from members of the opposite sex, fantasizing, lust, etc.  My prayer is that all single people would have find community, and within community would have a safe place to confess their sins and receive accountability from members of the same sex.
   
5. Singleness teaches us about sacrifice. While we're single we will have to deny our desires for sex, intimacy and physical affection.  Jesus prepared us for this; he said that following him would surely involve sacrifice (Matthew 16:24-25).  When we deny ourselves and persevere through hardship, our faith grows.
   (Side note: We are not giving up love! God freely offers his love.  Also, he has given us other people through whom we can experience love.)

I believe that singleness, just like marriage, can bring us closer to God.  In fact, God can use any phase of life to transform us into a person who reflects more of his glory and his beauty. 

I think the key is offering ourselves to him.  Don't waste your singleness complaining about being single.  Instead, offer the time and energy you have to him so he can use it for his glory.

What do you think?  Is being married the best way to be conformed to the image of Christ?

Foolish forgetfulness

Some days, somehow, I convince myself that God has forgotten about me.  In the back of my mind I'm asking, "Why are my friends getting into relationships, getting married and having kids, and I haven't even started on that path?"

I think that's a pretty foolish way of thinking.  How often do we convince ourselves that either God has forgotten to bring us a significant other, or else he doesn't care enough to do so? The other issue that may pop up is that we think he's not actually in control, and isn't able to bring that person into our lives.

Lately I've been reminded that God is powerful.  It seems simple and obvious, but it's a good reminder.  God is so powerful that he created the earth and heaven and everything in them. And, the creator of the entire universe is powerful enough to bring me a spouse.

Isaiah 45:18 says:

 ¹⁸ For this is what the LORD says—
he who created the heavens,
   he is God;
he who fashioned and made the earth,
   he founded it;
he did not create it to be empty,
   but formed it to be inhabited—
he says:
“I am the LORD,
   and there is no other...

So, he has the ability, but does he care?
Scripture shows us countless examples of God's great love for his people.  I think we need to constantly remind ourselves that he loved us so much that he gave his life for us!  Jesus was tortured for us, while there was nothing in it for him (while we were still sinners); do we think he doesn't care enough about our desires?

Matthew 7:11 portrays God as a generous, loving father who wants to give his kids (us!) good gifts:
¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

He does care about what we want and need.
 
I love the following passage; it talks about God knowing us before we were born.  The whole Psalm is good, but here's a snippet.

Psalm 139

1 You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.


If he knows us that well, then he knows what is best for us.  He is perfect, his memory is perfect, and he doesn't forget what we need.  In fact, he knows what we need better than we do.
 
He loves us, and we need to trust that not only does he have the power to bring that special someone into our lives, but he cares.  He's waiting for us to trust him with the outcome, whether it's singleness or marriage.

Single and free to make my own decisions

I feel blessed to be single at this point in my life. As I’m finishing my undergrad this month, and moving on to a new stage of life, there are so many decisions to make.  And, being single means there really are no limits to where I could go or what I could do.

At times I think I would like to have a special guy in my life.  At least if I was in a serious relationship, I think that my decisions wouldn’t be so hard.  I would choose to be wherever the guy was, and my options wouldn’t be so numerous.  (I get overwhelmed when there are too many options.  I would like someone to just make my decisions for me at this point.)

With these upcoming decisions and life changes, it would be nice to know that something is constant, something is stable.  (I'm thankful to God that he is the only stable thing right now, and that I'm forced to look to him for my sense of security.)

At the same time, with a relationship, my options would be somewhat limited.  If the guy wanted to move halfway across the world, would I stay here in Montreal?  If he was a homebody, and wanted to remain near his family, would I move to another province or country for a job opportunity? Not likely.

At this point, I have no relationship.  I am free to move, to travel, to work and to spend my money and my time however I would like to.

The single life is truly a blessing.

Singleness - a Curse?

Is singleness a curse? What would you say?

Our society says so. We are bombarded by images and media that say "You want a relationship."
"You will be satisfied when you have a guy who shows you affection."
"You NEED a guy."

Our Christian community says so.  We would never speak those words out loud, but I believe it resides deep in our minds.  I've gotten the awkward look that says: "So wait, you're 24 and still single?! What's up with that?"  It is as if to say there's something seriously wrong with me because I don't have a date.

And we say it to ourselves. I know I've been deceived by those voices in my head that say my life is worthless or, at the very least, I'm missing something because I'm not in a romantic relationship.

I think God would tell us otherwise.

He says that he loved us before we even had our first thought about him.  He came down to interact with humanity, as a human himself, and died a brutal death.  He would not have died if he didn't love us.
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:9)

I've learned that wherever I am and whatever relational situation I am in, his love does not fail.  He loves me so much that he allowed me to be single throughout my university career. 

Sometimes I doubt that this was his perfect plan for me. Where did I mess up that this situation of being single for the past 5 years was forced on me?! When is my time, God? While my friends are getting into relationships, getting married and having kids, what about me? Did you forget about me?  (These are some ideas that I think I'll deal with in later posts.)

Those are the honest thoughts of a typical single woman... but they are also the thoughts of a woman who has momentarily taken her eyes off Christ, and the absolutely marvelous gift that he gave us in being executed on the cross.

He said "I have loved you with an everlasting love. I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." (Jeremiah 31:3)

When we come to dwell in his love for us, we (slowly) realize that he has our best interests in mind, in every situation (Rom 8:28).