Update (part 2)

So a while ago, I was filling you all in on that big decision that I had to make

Whether to continue looking for jobs in engineering, or take a year "off" and work full-time with Power to Change - Students.

After praying about this decision, I felt released to continue working in my field. For the past few years, I've been passionate about electrical engineering, specifically the area of FPGA design. It has been exciting waiting to see where God would lead me.

I've been working for the last 10 months as a technical writer. I write how-to manuals for smart cameras and frame grabber boards. The products are interesting. I love the people I work with. I wanted to do something more technical, more engineering, though.

So I interviewed for a position in FPGA hardware testing and validation. It sounded awesome. I'd be working with some people that I already know (and like). I'd be working on a mostly francophone team (yikes!) in the same company that I've been at for the past 10 months. The company where I've developed a real ministry amongst my coworkers. This is the place where I've seen God move in people's lives. I didn't want that to end. But at the same time I wanted a job change.

Unfortunately, the interview for the hardware job didn't go well. I was so excited about it... and then it was such a let down. I did poorly on the written test, and didn't feel that I answered the behavioural questions well.

I just found out two days ago that I didn't get the job. It took them forever to make a decision, but finally they hired someone else.

After all that waiting, I'm not feeling that disappointed (thanks God). I mean, after a bad interview, and then a month and a half of waiting, I didn't get my hopes up. I wasn't really expecting to get the job at this point. But I'm still a little sad.

And after all that waiting, while I was waiting to hear back about the job, I didn't feel that God was calling me to campus ministry (with Power to Change - Students). I withdrew my application with P2C. I was sad, but I'm not regretting that decision.

So now I'm still kind of in limbo. My boss extended my technical writing contract for 4 months (yay!). So, for these next few months I'll be seeking God, asking him to direct my steps, and asking him to provide a challenging, fun job where I can (again) share Christ with my coworkers.

Update (part 1)

I'm back. I haven't gone far, but I've felt some days as if life was running away from me. My stress at times has been overwhelming. I’ve experienced God's faithfulness during these weeks.

God is good. God is faithful. God will provide.

A month ago I was making a decision. That decision was whether to continue looking for jobs in engineering, or take a year "off" and join a great ministry called Power to Change. They work with University students to help students discover Jesus.

I prayed, wrote pros and cons lists, talked with godly people whom I trust, and came to the conclusion that I would take a year to do full-time ministry.

This meant surrendering my goals in engineering for the time being. Taking a year "off" meant that I'd be one year out of my field, meant one year separated from my degree, from my knowledge, and from technology, which is always advancing (and is hard to keep up with in any case).

I began filling out the Power to Change application and contacting references. A few days after that decision, I heard of a position at my company, in another department. An engineering job. Like a real engineering job.

The position is p.e.r.f.e.c.t.

It's another contract, this time for one year. I would be filling in for a woman going on maternity leave. The job is an entry-level position in FPGA design and testing (my favourite!). I already know some of the people who work in this department, and on this project. Great people.

I'm already familiar with the company, with the work, and with several of the products. So it seemed like the most amazing opportunity.

One of the senior engineers said that he and two other engineers would interview me. I had a few days to prep for the interview.

All I could do was praise God. What an incredible opportunity. It seemed that everything was falling into place for my goals (which I never really thought was possible).

I was getting pumped. I would even be able to continue building relationships, the relationships that I've developed over the past 9 months. I love the people I work with, and I'd still see them everyday. Plus, I'd be challenged in this new position, on a new project, and I'd be meeting some new people.

Oh wait – but what happened to my decision to do ministry?? I knew I had to pray.

God, do you want me to surrender this amazing opportunity? I will give it up, if it's what you want.
This job sounds perfect. Amazing. Challenging, but fresh and new and exciting.
Do you want me to pursue ministry, still? Do you want me to give it up, to serve you, to honour this decision I’ve made?

I asked with hesitation, waiting to hear that he was going to cut my excitement right then and there. Hesitation, but willingness.

Your will is best. Your plan is the best plan. I will follow your plan, even if it’s hard. Even if it’s not what I want right now.

But I didn’t hear anything. Not a word.

As I continued to pray, I felt his peace wash over me. I asked if I should take the job, if it were to be offered to me. And all I felt was his peace. I felt released to be able to pursue the avenue that I'd so hoped (for years) would be available to me.

But that's not the end of this story. I'll fill in the rest later!

A confession

Today I told God that I'd be ok if his plan for me was to be single for the rest of my life.

I love serving him, and I can see the many benefits of serving God in singleness.

That feeling lasted all of about 6 hours... until a cute boy started paying attention to me.

Oh why is my heart so flawed, so flaky, so easily distracted? Why do I crave boy-attention so much?

Decisions, decisions, decisions.

Decision-making is hard!

I've never liked making decisions, especially not the big ones, the ones that affect other things or other people. Over the past few days, I've been wrestling with a major decision. I have to make the decision soon, ideally this week.

This decision will affect the next year, and could possibly change the trajectory of my life.

Thankfully, I've got God to help me.
Hold tight - I'll let you all know how it goes!

Oh hello, Anxiety! Where did you come from?!

Today it hit me that I have 7 weeks left at my job. Seven weeks! Seven weeks to finish my project. Seven weeks to apply for, interview at, and get another job. Seven weeks to say goodbye to coworkers. Seven weeks to go all out for God here at work.

I was praying that I would see two people come to know God in a personal way. I was praying to see lives changed, to see God do great things. There are only seven weeks left for that to happen.

I thought I had been trusting God with my future. I mean, when I thought about the future I didn’t get anxious. I’m not sure why I feel this way now.

Anxiety, why did you show up all of a sudden? You're not wanted here.

Maybe it’s because another month (February) has gone by and I haven’t started applying for jobs. I have ideas; I have a CV; I even have some good connections. But no job applications have been started. Yikes.

Maybe it’s because sometimes I look at my list of skills and my education and think,

"I can mention that I have experience in FPGA design and testing… but it’s not real experience. Is it valid experience if it’s only in a classroom, not in the real-world?"

"Are there really companies who want a recent university grad with no experience in this particular field?"

"Am I going to run into problems because I’m not fluent in French?"
I know I need to bring this to God. I need to sit still, rest in his presence and say, "My future is in your hands, God. Your word says that you love me and you have good plans for my life. Help me to trust you with my future."

Future planning will probably always make me anxious. *Sigh*

So, friends, right now I could use your prayers. I’ve gotten a lot of good career planning/job hunting advice recently. That is useful, too, but right now it’s not really what I need. 

The selfishness rut

How many of us ignore our sin?
Minimize our sin?
Rationalize our sin?
Repeat our sins over and over again?
Hide our sin?

From this post over on CallMeBlessed.

I do all of the above. It's so easy to rationalize sin and think, "I'm ok, I'm doing pretty good compared to a lot of people in the world."

It's especially easy because our society has caused us to value:

• individualism/independence (I need to fulfill my desires first).
• ambition (I'm going to pursue this direction in life because it will make me rich/successful/important/loved).
• self-sufficiency (I don't need anyone else).

 
I've been guilty of such selfishness. I'm not sure if this occurs more often because I am single, but sometimes I get into a selfishness rut. I want what I want, and I work each day to get it. I want to be comfortable; I want people to love me and think well of me; I want to spend my resources (time/money/material things) on myself only.

This is sin: striving for these things without thought of what God wants me to do.

I'm committing to regularly pray that God would reveal my sin to me. That is the only way to grow, to gain victory over sin. I need to recognize it when it happens, or halt the thought before it becomes sin, confess it, and move on. God says that when we confess and repent, he will completely forgive us and purify us from all unrighteousness. (1 John 1:9)


God, show me my sin.

I know I'm selfish, and I often do things solely for my own good. Help me to surrender the things that I want, the things that I put first in my life. Help me to put you first, and to have the strength to do your will.

Great music

There's a lot of great music out there. Personally, I love a song with acoustic guitars, good rhythm, and interesting lyrics (lyrics are key for me).

I listen to both mainstream "secular" and Christian artists, but I prefer to listen to Christian music.

Why?

Well, for one, the lyrics in songs by Christian artists are full of hope. I like listening to songs that make me say, "God's got this one. He's in control. My situation isn't as bad as I think it is. I might be sad, but God is helping me persevere through this trial."

I love music by Lifehouse. Sure, they are mainstream, but as far as I know, they are followers of Jesus. Their music often expresses sadness, loss, but in the midst of that they speak of God's power to heal.

This song, Broken, is a great one.

I'm falling apart,
I'm barely breathing.
With a broken heart,
That's still beating.

In the pain
There is healing
In your name,
I find meaning.

One secular artist that I listen to is "City and Colour", a brilliant song writer by the name of Dallas Green. (He's Canadian, which is awesome. Yay for supporting Canadian music!)

 His song "Hope for Now", despite its title, shows a real lack of hope.

But what it would take to live
As if I would not another day
To live without despair
And to be without desdain

How can I instill such hope
But be left with none of my own?

(http://www.lyricsmode.com/lyrics/c/city_and_colour/hope_for_now.html)

His lyrics often speak of emptiness, loneliness, hopelessness, pain... and he remarks on the fact that nothing can fix his pain.

I love listening to music that I can identify with. I can identify with feeling lonely, lost, in pain, etc. But I don't want to dwell in that self-piteous place forever. I want to give my feelings to God, and know that there is hope no matter what my situation.

So although I love the music, the raw emotion, Dallas Green's voice, there's just something missing, and I think it's hope.

What kind of music do you like? Have you found any "secular" artists whose lyrics are hopeful?

My portion for this season

(a break from the series)

The past few months have had me meditating on God’s purpose for my life. I began my "career" last June, but I don’t feel a clear leading in terms of what I should be doing with my life.

My life direction is closely tied with my relationship status. I suppose if I was married, I would be thinking about things like family planning, which would influence my career plans.

I keep thinking, "If only I was married, then I wouldn’t have to make a career plan. I’d work for a year or two, then start a family. That would make these job decisions so much easier."

I was meditating on this quote from pastor Tim Keller, and I realized that yes- God does want me to be single at this point in my life. This is his portion for me. This is his best purpose and plan for me. If it is better for me to be in a relationship or to be married, then he will bring that about. If it is better for me to be single, then that is where I will remain.

It’s hard to come to terms with that. I mean, if it is better for me to be single for the rest of my life, am I ok with that? I don’t know. It’s hard to imagine being single for another 50, 60 years. But being single for this season – sure. In fact, I can say without a doubt - Yes, I am content with that.

One thing that has affected my contentment in this season is that I’ve seen what God can accomplish through me. I’ve been praying that he would use me; that my life would be an instrument of righteousness (Romans 6:13), a tool for him to use for his glory.

And in praying that, my singleness has become more precious to me.

In the past few months, I’ve seen prayers answered at work. I’ve had incredible spiritual conversations with my colleagues, women and men. I’ve gathered a small group of Christians at my workplace, and I am hoping to see them also sharing the Gospel with their coworkers, with a sense of urgency, empowered by the Holy Spirit.

I know that I am a more effective witness for Christ as a single person. Here are a few specific things that are easier for me as a single person:

• I can walk alongside women who are struggling with being content in singleness.
• I am spending most of my free time ministering to believing and non-believing friends, including guys (although with guys I am more cautious!).
• Several of the guys at work that I have been able to share the Gospel with were initially interested in me… you know, interested. Because I am one of the few single women on my floor, I have had opportunities to meet and share with people that I wouldn’t have had otherwise.
• I can very freely (and sometimes spontaneously) plan time with coworkers outside of work.
• I can visit family and not have worry about being away from my significant other for too long.

My prayer for you all is that you’d ask (and be willing, by the power of his Holy Spirit) for God to use you: your time, your relationships, your resources, and your singleness for his glory. Then as he uses you, watch as you start to see your singleness in a new light, with a new sweetness.

Awkward date #2: Falling in love... or falling asleep?

This post is part of a series documenting some seriously awkward dates that I've been on.

Please note that I am not writing this series to mock the guys whom I have dated. These stories are bound to be funny, but I hope you’ll look with me at how God worked through these situations to grow me and teach me about relationships. My prayer is that these nuggets of wisdom wouldn’t go to waste. :)

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He was a really sweet guy: funny, super intelligent, respectful and kind. His family, who are awesome, generous, Christian people, lived down the street. I had played with this guy and his two older siblings as a kid. We didn't stay friends as we grew older, as we attended different schools.

Several years ago, we ran into each other in a restaurant, and he asked me out. We went for coffee and had a great time catching up. I remember laughing a lot. I was excited to hear that he'd kept his faith in Jesus. I think he was probably shocked that I was also a Christian, since I didn't grow up in a Christian home.

I really enjoyed our coffee together. A week later we went to a movie. I think it was Shrek 2, or Shrek 3. You see, I can't really remember because I fell asleep and missed the last half of the movie! I think he tried to nudge me awake a few times, but gave up. He teased me about it afterwards, which made me super embarrassed.

To give a bit of context:
I don't know why, but when I'm sitting still and I'm comfortable, I have a tendency to fall asleep. And really quickly too. I've fallen asleep in work meetings, during quiet conversations, in university classes, during extremely loud concerts (and quiet classical concerts, too), on buses, on trains, on a plane during taking off (I also slept through the landing of that one).

(In case you're worried about me, I've never fallen asleep standing up, or in a situation that would prove dangerous if that happened. And I sleep very well at night.)
Ok, enough about my random sleep issues...

So picture me, falling asleep on a date, in a movie theatre. It was awkward.

We didn't end up dating seriously because of other factors... at least I don't think that was the reason. :P Since then we've remained friends.

What I learned from this awkward date:
1/I need to learn to laugh at myself.

2/Quality godly guys are out there (particularly ones who will respect a girl's physical boundaries **see my post for awkward date #1!). Girls: We need to keep our standards high, no matter how desperate we feel!

3/I embarrassed myself, and the guy didn't run away. I could see that this guy liked me for who I was. :)