Unloved.

There are days when I feel unloved.

I thought those days were a thing of the past, that I was now so strong in my faith in Christ that I wouldn’t have those self-focused moments anymore: "Does anyone really love me the way I want to be loved?" "Why do I feel so alone?"

I think there will always be hard days. I’ll still struggle with wanting to be loved, and forgetting to seek God for what I desire.

Those days often occur when I’ve lost sight of the incredibly satisfying love God has for us. Those days leave me desperately longing for attention. Sometimes I catch myself striving solely to please others, to gain attention, approval and love. I lose it: my contentment, my peace, my sense of who I am in God. I "lost it" recently, when a guy – an attractive, funny, charming, and considerate guy – stepped into my life.

Have you ever "lost it"? Maybe you have and you just didn’t notice. You find yourself no longer content with where you are and what you have, and you start to long for a boyfriend. Your heart feels empty and you think that he is the only one who can fix your emptiness.

Maybe you won’t believe me when I say that I’ve been there. I have, more times than I’d like to admit.

So there’s this guy. We met and he immediately began to pay extra attention to me. I told myself that he probably wasn’t good for me. He didn’t fulfill some of my major criteria for a boyfriend (i.e. he doesn't love Jesus). But he’s so funny, and sweet, and he likes me...

I knew I was in too deep when he asked for my number, and I tried to justify giving it to him. "It’ll be a nice friendship... I could go for a coffee with him; that doesn’t say serious relationship." Every day I hoped to run into him and looked forward to chatting with him.

I finally recognized that I was putting all my hope into what this guy thought of me. Oh it’s just lovely to converse with someone who appreciates me: who genuinely wants to communicate with me and spend time with me and know more about who I am and what makes me tick. I'm not saying that it's wrong to be friends with members of the opposite sex. BUT it’s not worth it if it’s stealing my heart and my attention from God.

That's what I've learned from this. I didn't give him my number, and I don't plan to go on that coffee date. I know my heart, and that just wouldn't help me one bit.

What is love?

Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained. -- C.S. Lewis

Your Love is Deep

I'll admit it. I’ve been having a hard time being content in singleness. Some days it's just more difficult than I expect it to be.

I’ve been to 2 weddings in the last two weeks, and have heard about so many more. Don’t get me wrong; I’m so happy for the newlywed couples. It’s a blessing to be friends with so many godly people who aspire to honour God with their lives and their marriages. It’s just that, despite my efforts to remain content, I’ve felt insecure.

As I try to refocus on Jesus, I’ve found these words coming to mind.

Your love is deep
Your love is high
Your love is long
Your love is wide

Deeper than my view of grace
Higher than this worldly place
Longer than this road I travel
Wider than the gap you filled

("Your Love Is Deep" song)

This song is based on Ephesians 3:17-19: "And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God."

His love is exactly what I need right now. Although part of me wants to dive into a romantic relationship, I’ve been there before and I know that kind of relationship isn’t really what my heart is craving. It won’t completely satisfy. I need to be satisfied in Christ.

Love: we talk about it, we write songs about it, we even dance.

I didn't start this blog to bash relationships or promote singleness as superior to marriage. 

In fact, I know that relationships are a good thing.  I really love love.  I enjoy the fact that God created love.  He was the one who showed love first, before any human knew what it was. I'm thankful that he loved us more than any guy will ever love me.  He loved me enough to die for me.

God created the concept of marriage.  He created love; he invented sex.  Have you ever felt your heart pounding because you're close to that special person?  God created that.  That's incredible!  Do you ever think God is boring?  Not if you remember that he created sex. That's not boring. There are a lot of other not-boring things, but I'll stay on the same topic for now.

I've seen even the most skeptical atheist admit that there's something inexplicable about love.  There exists the possibility of an incredibly intimate connection between a man and a woman that goes beyond physical attraction.  It's something that we can try to explain away with pheromones and psychology, but in my mind it's obviously spiritually rooted.

It is something that I don't understand, but that I'm glad God gave us.  I'm thankful for that gift.  I look forward to the excitement that comes with a new relationship.  I'm also thankful for all the good stuff that marriage brings and the hard work it requires.  A husband and wife can show one another the deepest kind of soul-nurturing love.  If they love Christ, their love for one another can reflect the awesomeness of God's love.

I like the idea of being in a romantic relationship.  I don't think I'm ready for it right now; there's a lot of things I want God to work on in me.  Anyway, enough rambling. I will continue these thoughts later.

For now, here's a video that you'll enjoy.  I choreographed and performed this piece several years ago.  It's about young love.