Unloved.

There are days when I feel unloved.

I thought those days were a thing of the past, that I was now so strong in my faith in Christ that I wouldn’t have those self-focused moments anymore: "Does anyone really love me the way I want to be loved?" "Why do I feel so alone?"

I think there will always be hard days. I’ll still struggle with wanting to be loved, and forgetting to seek God for what I desire.

Those days often occur when I’ve lost sight of the incredibly satisfying love God has for us. Those days leave me desperately longing for attention. Sometimes I catch myself striving solely to please others, to gain attention, approval and love. I lose it: my contentment, my peace, my sense of who I am in God. I "lost it" recently, when a guy – an attractive, funny, charming, and considerate guy – stepped into my life.

Have you ever "lost it"? Maybe you have and you just didn’t notice. You find yourself no longer content with where you are and what you have, and you start to long for a boyfriend. Your heart feels empty and you think that he is the only one who can fix your emptiness.

Maybe you won’t believe me when I say that I’ve been there. I have, more times than I’d like to admit.

So there’s this guy. We met and he immediately began to pay extra attention to me. I told myself that he probably wasn’t good for me. He didn’t fulfill some of my major criteria for a boyfriend (i.e. he doesn't love Jesus). But he’s so funny, and sweet, and he likes me...

I knew I was in too deep when he asked for my number, and I tried to justify giving it to him. "It’ll be a nice friendship... I could go for a coffee with him; that doesn’t say serious relationship." Every day I hoped to run into him and looked forward to chatting with him.

I finally recognized that I was putting all my hope into what this guy thought of me. Oh it’s just lovely to converse with someone who appreciates me: who genuinely wants to communicate with me and spend time with me and know more about who I am and what makes me tick. I'm not saying that it's wrong to be friends with members of the opposite sex. BUT it’s not worth it if it’s stealing my heart and my attention from God.

That's what I've learned from this. I didn't give him my number, and I don't plan to go on that coffee date. I know my heart, and that just wouldn't help me one bit.

Things to be thankful for

Thanks, God, for my little doggie. He's going to be ok. This has been rough on me, but I am so thankful that you've got this whole situation under control.

Thanks, God, that you love your creation. So often I forget that you created the animals, too. You love your people, but you care for your animals, too.

Thanks, Lord, for skilled veterinarians, who figured out that Teddy doesn't have cancer, nor does he have kidney problems or liver disease. It's not a virus that's causing his illness. He has four small bladder stones. Bladder stones are common for his breed. Also, the blood test showed he has low platelets, and therefore his blood doesn't clot properly. They think it's an autoimmune condition, which is treatable.

Thanks, God, for a job. Thanks that things are getting more interesting and more challenging. And thanks for providing me with a stable income so that I can pay for these vet bills.

Our God is good.

What is the purpose for waiting? (Part 2)

At times I’ve been incredibly frustrated with waiting.  If I want something, I don’t want to have to wait for it.  When I’m hungry, I want to eat right away.  When I’m lonely, I want to surround myself with friends, immediately.  And when I’m broke and jobless, I want a job and an income.  Arg… I don’t like this impatient part of me.

For about 5 months now, I’ve been applying for jobs, and was hoping that I would have a solid job offer as I graduated from university.  I’ve had a handful of interviews, but as I finished off my degree I hadn’t had a single offer.  I was praying, but starting to doubt that God would provide.

In the midst of that I was able to say “God is so good”.  I know that I have been waiting and experiencing that frustration for a reason.  I believe that God wanted me to wait for several reasons:

(1)   So that I would rely on Him. 

At times in my job search, I was expecting to get hired because of my skills, my talents, my awesomeness. Those things are factors in getting a job, but not everything.  Ultimately, what God wants goes.  If God wants me to take a particular job, then the job offer will be there.  In the same way, if he doesn’t want me to have a job, then he is able to take away the opportunity (or not present it in the first place).

At times of disappointment I was reminded that the opportunity would come if it was in God’s plan for me.  And I was reminded of my past, in times that I’ve had to wait for him.  When he finally provided, it was so perfectly suited to me and the timing was perfect. 

(2)   So that I would realize my love of money. 

While waiting and searching for jobs, I struggled with how I would pay my bills.  I worried.   I got anxious.  I considered taking any crummy part-time job.  I considered moving back in with my mom… until God miraculously provided in this area, enough to pay my bills for another 2 months.

(3)   So that I would be made aware of my need for security.

I am almost ashamed of what I felt at times.  I felt so lost and empty and purposeless, as I didn’t have anything to look forward to, or anything to work for, during this time.  There were days when I just felt I had nothing to cling to.  My future was so uncertain, unclear, insecure.  In the end I am so blown away by God.  When everything seemed out of control, he filled the voids in my heart, and gave me such a clear sense of stability and peace.

(4)   So that he would be glorified.

He provided an awesome job.  It’s a technical writing position, full-time, located in Montreal, with a great company.  I’m super excited about the projects that they are currently working on: smart cameras, video editing software and hardware and more.  Technical writing will give me a lot of experience.  I’ll be exposed to all of the engineering divisions within the company, and will lead to future opportunities.  Plus the timing is perfect. I’ve been out of school and unemployed for just over a month, and it was just the amount of time I needed to rest and refocus.

I could go on about the great things about this job opportunity… God is just so good.

Only God knew what I needed.  He knew my money-loving heart needed a good shock back to hoping in Jesus, and not in my money.  He knew that my self-worth was in my security and my status as an engineering student.  He knew that the only way I would rely on him was to wait for 5 months before being offered anything.

He also knows what I enjoy; I am so excited to work alongside engineers who do exactly what I see myself doing in a few years. 

He knows where I can be a light for him, and so I am confident that this job is where I am meant to be for the time being. 

What is the purpose for waiting? (Part 1)

I’ve come to the conclusion that there is always a purpose for a time of waiting.  It doesn’t matter what we’re waiting for, whether a job, a spouse, an answer to prayer, or deliverance from a situation, God always has a purpose for making us wait.

The bible (ESV) mentions the word ‘wait’ over 130 times.  The writer of the psalms often writes about waiting on the Lord.  He expresses his frustration with whatever he is waiting for in Psalm 130:

“Out of the depths I cry to you, O LORD!
O Lord, hear my voice!
Let your ears be attentive
to the voice of my pleas for mercy!”

He goes on to write:

“I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
and in his word I hope;
my soul waits for the Lord
more than watchmen for the morning,
more than watchmen for the morning.
O Israel, hope in the LORD!
For with the LORD there is steadfast love,
and with him is plentiful redemption.”

What an encouragement this Psalm is to me.  The author is obviously facing something difficult, and is pleading with God to help him.  He seems unsure whether God will help him.  But he ends his Psalm with such confidence that as he waits for God’s guidance and help, he has can look to the future with hope.  He doesn’t know what is coming (none of us do), but he can look to God, and say to himself, “Whatever God has planned will be good.”.  He has God at his side, and he has found God’s love to be steadfast, constant, unfailing.  God also brings him hope of redemption.  Whatever is broken, he can surely fix. Whatever is lacking, he can supply.

I think that as we seek God in times of waiting, we will begin to see these things.  We will have a clearer picture of God’s provision, of the way he works in us, and of his awesome love.

Memorizing Scripture

Last week at my church small group we were discussing how to rely on God when things are difficult.  We agreed that it is so hard to trust God when we face trials in life.  It's hard not to worry, fear, or take the situation completely into our own hands.  When we face trials, we usually get anxious instead of saying, "Ok God, I don't understand this situation and I don't know what to do, but I look to you." 

Side note: I love what king Jehoshaphat said in 2 Chronicles 20:12:
"...For we have no power to face this vast army that is attacking us. We do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you."

Some of the women in the group said that reciting scripture helps them, especially when they are afraid. There are some great verses, like in Psalm 23:
"I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me."

This one women, who is in her late 70s, is a great woman of God.  She knows many of the stories in the bible by heart.  As we were sharing she said, "I wish I had memorized more scripture when I was younger. Now it's not so easy. My memory isn't as good as it used to be." 

That just hit me.  She has memorized bus loads of verses, and yet she regrets not memorizing more of the bible.  How often do I take my memory for granted?  I think it's normal that I am able to memorize bible verses, engineering formulas, telephone numbers even.  We never know when we could lose something like our memory. 

We memorize song lyrics, addresses, websites, sports stats... but how often do we really use this great gift of memory to remember something truly important? that will aid us for our entire lives? that will remind us of God's goodness, faithfulness, and his awesome plans for us?

It's great to be young and to be able to memorize things easily.  I think I'm going to put my memory to good use while I have it.

Foolish forgetfulness

Some days, somehow, I convince myself that God has forgotten about me.  In the back of my mind I'm asking, "Why are my friends getting into relationships, getting married and having kids, and I haven't even started on that path?"

I think that's a pretty foolish way of thinking.  How often do we convince ourselves that either God has forgotten to bring us a significant other, or else he doesn't care enough to do so? The other issue that may pop up is that we think he's not actually in control, and isn't able to bring that person into our lives.

Lately I've been reminded that God is powerful.  It seems simple and obvious, but it's a good reminder.  God is so powerful that he created the earth and heaven and everything in them. And, the creator of the entire universe is powerful enough to bring me a spouse.

Isaiah 45:18 says:

 ¹⁸ For this is what the LORD says—
he who created the heavens,
   he is God;
he who fashioned and made the earth,
   he founded it;
he did not create it to be empty,
   but formed it to be inhabited—
he says:
“I am the LORD,
   and there is no other...

So, he has the ability, but does he care?
Scripture shows us countless examples of God's great love for his people.  I think we need to constantly remind ourselves that he loved us so much that he gave his life for us!  Jesus was tortured for us, while there was nothing in it for him (while we were still sinners); do we think he doesn't care enough about our desires?

Matthew 7:11 portrays God as a generous, loving father who wants to give his kids (us!) good gifts:
¹¹ If you, then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

He does care about what we want and need.
 
I love the following passage; it talks about God knowing us before we were born.  The whole Psalm is good, but here's a snippet.

Psalm 139

1 You have searched me, LORD,
   and you know me.
² You know when I sit and when I rise;
   you perceive my thoughts from afar.
³ You discern my going out and my lying down;
   you are familiar with all my ways.
⁴ Before a word is on my tongue
   you, LORD, know it completely.


If he knows us that well, then he knows what is best for us.  He is perfect, his memory is perfect, and he doesn't forget what we need.  In fact, he knows what we need better than we do.
 
He loves us, and we need to trust that not only does he have the power to bring that special someone into our lives, but he cares.  He's waiting for us to trust him with the outcome, whether it's singleness or marriage.

Singleness - a Curse?

Is singleness a curse? What would you say?

Our society says so. We are bombarded by images and media that say "You want a relationship."
"You will be satisfied when you have a guy who shows you affection."
"You NEED a guy."

Our Christian community says so.  We would never speak those words out loud, but I believe it resides deep in our minds.  I've gotten the awkward look that says: "So wait, you're 24 and still single?! What's up with that?"  It is as if to say there's something seriously wrong with me because I don't have a date.

And we say it to ourselves. I know I've been deceived by those voices in my head that say my life is worthless or, at the very least, I'm missing something because I'm not in a romantic relationship.

I think God would tell us otherwise.

He says that he loved us before we even had our first thought about him.  He came down to interact with humanity, as a human himself, and died a brutal death.  He would not have died if he didn't love us.
"But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us." (Romans 5:9)

I've learned that wherever I am and whatever relational situation I am in, his love does not fail.  He loves me so much that he allowed me to be single throughout my university career. 

Sometimes I doubt that this was his perfect plan for me. Where did I mess up that this situation of being single for the past 5 years was forced on me?! When is my time, God? While my friends are getting into relationships, getting married and having kids, what about me? Did you forget about me?  (These are some ideas that I think I'll deal with in later posts.)

Those are the honest thoughts of a typical single woman... but they are also the thoughts of a woman who has momentarily taken her eyes off Christ, and the absolutely marvelous gift that he gave us in being executed on the cross.

He said "I have loved you with an everlasting love. I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." (Jeremiah 31:3)

When we come to dwell in his love for us, we (slowly) realize that he has our best interests in mind, in every situation (Rom 8:28).