Update (part 1)

I'm back. I haven't gone far, but I've felt some days as if life was running away from me. My stress at times has been overwhelming. I’ve experienced God's faithfulness during these weeks.

God is good. God is faithful. God will provide.

A month ago I was making a decision. That decision was whether to continue looking for jobs in engineering, or take a year "off" and join a great ministry called Power to Change. They work with University students to help students discover Jesus.

I prayed, wrote pros and cons lists, talked with godly people whom I trust, and came to the conclusion that I would take a year to do full-time ministry.

This meant surrendering my goals in engineering for the time being. Taking a year "off" meant that I'd be one year out of my field, meant one year separated from my degree, from my knowledge, and from technology, which is always advancing (and is hard to keep up with in any case).

I began filling out the Power to Change application and contacting references. A few days after that decision, I heard of a position at my company, in another department. An engineering job. Like a real engineering job.

The position is p.e.r.f.e.c.t.

It's another contract, this time for one year. I would be filling in for a woman going on maternity leave. The job is an entry-level position in FPGA design and testing (my favourite!). I already know some of the people who work in this department, and on this project. Great people.

I'm already familiar with the company, with the work, and with several of the products. So it seemed like the most amazing opportunity.

One of the senior engineers said that he and two other engineers would interview me. I had a few days to prep for the interview.

All I could do was praise God. What an incredible opportunity. It seemed that everything was falling into place for my goals (which I never really thought was possible).

I was getting pumped. I would even be able to continue building relationships, the relationships that I've developed over the past 9 months. I love the people I work with, and I'd still see them everyday. Plus, I'd be challenged in this new position, on a new project, and I'd be meeting some new people.

Oh wait – but what happened to my decision to do ministry?? I knew I had to pray.

God, do you want me to surrender this amazing opportunity? I will give it up, if it's what you want.
This job sounds perfect. Amazing. Challenging, but fresh and new and exciting.
Do you want me to pursue ministry, still? Do you want me to give it up, to serve you, to honour this decision I’ve made?

I asked with hesitation, waiting to hear that he was going to cut my excitement right then and there. Hesitation, but willingness.

Your will is best. Your plan is the best plan. I will follow your plan, even if it’s hard. Even if it’s not what I want right now.

But I didn’t hear anything. Not a word.

As I continued to pray, I felt his peace wash over me. I asked if I should take the job, if it were to be offered to me. And all I felt was his peace. I felt released to be able to pursue the avenue that I'd so hoped (for years) would be available to me.

But that's not the end of this story. I'll fill in the rest later!

Things to be thankful for

Thanks, God, for my little doggie. He's going to be ok. This has been rough on me, but I am so thankful that you've got this whole situation under control.

Thanks, God, that you love your creation. So often I forget that you created the animals, too. You love your people, but you care for your animals, too.

Thanks, Lord, for skilled veterinarians, who figured out that Teddy doesn't have cancer, nor does he have kidney problems or liver disease. It's not a virus that's causing his illness. He has four small bladder stones. Bladder stones are common for his breed. Also, the blood test showed he has low platelets, and therefore his blood doesn't clot properly. They think it's an autoimmune condition, which is treatable.

Thanks, God, for a job. Thanks that things are getting more interesting and more challenging. And thanks for providing me with a stable income so that I can pay for these vet bills.

Our God is good.

Have you ever felt like you wanted to crawl into a hole and hide?

Most of the time when I encounter tough situations in life I want to crawl into a hole and be alone. There a major problem with this: Because I'm single and live on my own (save one roommate), I can go days without really speaking to anyone. Things could go downhill from that point, as I sink into self pity. I realized that this shows a glimpse of my self-centeredness. Did you know that dwelling in self pity is a sin? Because dwelling on it means that I'm only thinking about me and my problems, as if nothing else matters. It also means that I'm not surrendering my worries to God.

I hide because I feel uncomfortable showing a lot of emotion when I'm around others. I think if others saw me in such a vulnerable state that they would think less of me. That's my pride for you.

Although I do process things well on my own, I realize that I need people. I need others to tell me that God's got the situation under control. I need people to show me love, and say things like "It's going to be ok." I need to be reminded that although I'm feeling overwhelmed, this isn't the end of the world. I am not the only one going through hard stuff.

I took Teddy (my 6-year-old white Schnauzer-terrier mix) to the vet this morning. He has some kind of bladder, prostate or kidney problem (possibly a bladder or kidney stone). He's going to have blood tests, urine tests and x-rays.

I need to think and pray, but I realize that I also need to be around others. I'm so thankful for my roommate and my friends and their compassion.